My Own Inner Battle with Medication
First off, I want to preface that anyone reading this should not feel ashamed for being on medication. I would never shame anyone who takes medication; I know that there is a need for medication. However, I don't always tell myself those things, and I'm a lot harder on myself for some reason. Please, if you are on medication, I do not want you to feel shame, guilt, or anything for having to be on medication for anxiety, depression, etc. These are my own emotions, thoughts, and feelings, and thankfully, just because I have them doesn't make them true, so please read with caution. Also, for the preface, I’m on an anti-depressant for anxiety and depression symptoms.
I had therapy yesterday, and I told her that I hadn't taken my medication in a couple of weeks. She tried to get to the root of why I seem not to want to be on medication since this has happened to me before. I believe we came to the conclusion that I did not want to have to be on medication, but the truth is I need to be on it. My brain needs help making the neurotransmitters, mainly serotonin, which is okay. I'm not sure where I get the deep-rooted desire not to have to be on medication. I guess because I think it means something is wrong with me. Logically, I know that medication is needed, especially when your body cannot produce what it needs to.
One of the reasons I think I have had this tension with taking medication is because I threw myself into the health and wellness world where there is so much noise and so many voices, many speaking negatively about medication. There is such a thing as information overload; I think social media has negatively impacted this.
I cried almost the whole therapy session for numerous reasons: I hadn't been on my medication, I was also on my period, and I was just extra emotional. I remember saying I envied people whose brains and bodies worked how they needed to. It honestly blows my mind that some people are just able to live their lives generally without anxiety, depression, and thoughts that can be overbearing at times. I know that everyone deals with some thoughts and feelings. Yet, many people can quickly move forward from them without the need for medication. I'm not sure why I envy them. I guess it's because I'm just jealous and don't understand why my brain and body won't work right. My therapist so gently reminded me how trauma changes the brain and the body.
I, like many others, think of trauma as a big event, the "big T" trauma; however, "little t" trauma affects the individual as well. Everyone has different levels of how they handle stress, which impacts how one copes with the trauma.
“Big “T” traumas are the events most commonly associated with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) including serious injury, sexual violence, or life-threatening experiences. Threats of serious physical injury, death, or sexual violence can cause intense trauma even if the person is never physically harmed. Little “t” traumas are highly distressing events that affect individuals on a personal level but don’t fall into the big “T” category. Examples of little “t” trauma include non-life-threatening injuries, emotional abuse, death of a pet, bullying or harassment, and loss of significant relationships.” (1)
This article explains the brain and trauma amazingly. Trauma Brain: Long-Term Effects & How to Heal
I am more emotional, and things affect me more than most. I can ruminate on specific conversations, actions, thoughts, etc. I can cry if I am angry, sad, hurt, happy, etc. If tears can be shed, I am shedding them. I'm not a victim, though. I'm not a victim of my thoughts, feelings, or the fact that I have to be on medication. Like anything else, medication is just a tool that can help make you feel better. I don't think it should ever be the only solution, but it is a great tool, and I need to start looking at it through that lens.
The truth is that food is medicine, movement is medicine, meditation is medicine, and breathing is medicine, too. I have to remind myself of that—and that's okay. It's okay if you need medication; it does not make you weak or less than. It's important to remember that seeking help, whether through therapy, medication, or other means, is a sign of strength and self-awareness. You are not alone in your struggle with medication.
