Part of My health journey

My health journey started when I was 25 when I got tired of looking at pictures and being disgusted with how I looked and felt in my body. 

I had no energy.

I was constantly stressed.

I was depressed and full of anxiety.

I hated how clothes looked on me; nothing ever looked right.

I hated my body.

I hated myself. 

I want to focus on my health journey throughout the past three years; however, I think it's essential to go back to being a little girl and remembering certain things about growing up, my weight, the way I looked, my perception of myself and different interactions that involve myself and my body, which will paint a picture of where I started in my health journey and where it currently is.

Ever since I was a little girl, I remember being different than most girls. I was taller and bigger and noticed it early, probably in first grade. I remember growing up how difficult it was for me to find clothes that I liked and that fit me. I was always bigger than most of my friends, which frustrated me. Not to mention getting into junior high and taking an interest in boys, and I remember one specific boy not liking me because of my body size. I was probably around a women's size 8 or 10 in junior high, and then I was about a 12 or 14 in high school. Even in college, I had a run-in with a boy who was obliterated but still commented about how thick my thighs were. I had all of these comments from the outside. Can you imagine what my mind was like on the inside?

 I always thought:

Why was I made like this?

Why didn't God make me look like XYZ?

This is unfair.

Why am I fat? 

Why are my thighs so big? 

I don't want to look like this.

Why can't I be pretty?

Why can't I be skinny? 

What's wrong with me?

What an awful way to grow up. Over the past few years, I learned that my self-love was practically non-existent due to how I grew up and what I believed about myself and my body. Culture and society didn't help at all either (that's a whole different subject; we'll save for another day). In college, I thought I had hit my heaviest when I was about a size 14/16; however, after Austin (my high school boyfriend/at one point fiancé) died from suicide, I gained a lot of weight and was pushing almost an 18/20 in some sizes, and my heaviest weight was 262. (I'm not saying any of these sizes are bad! - I'm just saying it in the reference so you can get an idea of where I was.) I gained a lot of weight because, emotionally and mentally, I could not process what happened in my life, and my body was absolutely exhausted with stress. I wasn't doing anything healthy for myself, either. I was eating whatever I wanted when I wanted and drinking a lot to try to numb the pain. Obviously, this is a perfect disaster for weight gain.

At my lowest of lows at 25, I finally decided to do better for myself. Self-love recently appeared in my life at 28, which is extremely sad and far too long of a way of living with self-hate. At 25, I decided to lose weight because I hated how I looked, and it took me about two years to see a significant change in my body. I wish that at age 25, I would have decided to lose weight because I loved my body so much that I wanted to make the changes necessary to live a healthy lifestyle. This is part of the reason why I chose to start my own health coaching business. I want others to learn to love themselves and make healthier choices out of love, not hate for their body.

In the fall of 2019, I started to take my health back. I started working out at Camp Gladiator, a boot camp-style workout; it's hardcore and intense. This workout was good because it helped me get into a routine of working out three times a week, and I was able to build community and have a support and accountability system. In the fall of 2020, I decided to work with a functional diagnostic nutritionist who helped me learn more about nutrition and how my body worked, and I honestly owe her my life! Okay, maybe that's exaggerated, but she has helped me numerous times throughout my health journey and impacted who I am today. (Thanks, Kacy!!! I highly recommend you work with her if you experience anxiety and have tried everything to help it. She takes a neuro-nutrition approach and is phenomenal at what she does and inspired me to start my journey as a health coach!)

In the spring of 2021, my mom was diagnosed with colon cancer, significantly wrecking my world. I pushed forward without processing it. My mom decided after her surgery to remove cancer to only do three rounds of chemo because of how harsh it was on her and her body. She began researching functional and integrative ways to help her heal from cancer and prevent it from returning. She ran across a lot of great information and dug deep into nutrition and the integrative side of health, as she is a family nurse practitioner. After her diagnosis and deciding to dive deeper into health, I became interested in how we can better care for our bodies.

In the fall of 2021, I decided to get off birth control which I had been on for around 14 years. My dermatologists had initially put me on birth control due to my horrible acne as a teenager and decided to stay on it. After researching and learning more about birth control and what it does to women's bodies, I decided to get off of birth control. About six months later, I saw a significant change in my body and a lot of the weight my body was holding on to essentially fell off without me doing anything extra. (Again, this is a different story; we'll save that for another time.)

Many people were commenting on my weight by 2022, which felt good but also, at the same time, felt like a slap in the face, if I'm being completely honest. People can comment when I lose weight but not when I gain weight. They may have commented about my weight gain yet did it behind my back. Why do we only comment on people's bodies when they lose weight? 

You look so good.

What did you do? 

Wow! You look amazing. 

You are so skinny. 

How did you lose all your weight?

What's your secret? 

You need to put the meat back on your bones.

I'll tell you firsthand how deeply this hurts. Sure, it sounds good to get the outer compliments. However, it puts another sense of pressure on me. I was constantly in my head about how I couldn't gain weight again, how I had to make sure I had to be careful about what I ate, how I looked, etc. It wasn't about how I felt on the inside anymore; it was all about how I looked outside, which is complete (excuse my language) bullshit. People shouldn't comment about people's bodies, period. I am guilty of this, too, and have been more conscious about it. You don't know what people are going through, how unhealthy they are with their journey, or if they have an eating disorder. I even got asked what I did and if I took anything to help with the weight loss, like weight loss shots… no, I did not. I know that’s hard to believe for some, but I did it all through diet, exercise, and learning how my body works. I decreased the inflammation and stress in my body, and it was finally able to shred the excess weight it had been holding on to for so long.

Honestly, in the spring of 2022 until the spring of 2023, I would say that I experienced an eating disorder called orthorexia. 

"Orthorexia Nervosa is perhaps best summarized as an obsession with healthy eating with associated restrictive behaviors. However, attempting to attain optimum health through attention to diet may lead to malnourishment, loss of relationships, and poor quality of life." 

I was obsessed with what ingredients were in my food. I would get extremely anxious about what I could eat and was extremely strict about what I put into my body, to the point where my brain was literally on overdrive, which isn't suitable for someone who already has symptoms of anxiety and OCD. It was incredibly unhealthy, and I think it played into my mental breakdown-through in January 2023 (another story for another time). I couldn't enjoy myself around food. I was incredibly rigid about it because I feared what it would do to my body. What a crappy way to live, especially for someone who loves food! I slowly started to come out of this way of living with the help of Kacy again, who had to help me as a literal 9-1-1 with the breakdown I had. Other things played into my breakdown, but being incredibly obsessive about my food was extremely unhealthy.

I am finally getting to a place of balance with my health. However, I hate the word balance and think that sometimes that word is just a crock of crap. I believe in doing the best you can do where you're at. Sometimes that's your 100%, and sometimes your 35% - it depends on the day and the season you're in. 

I eat most of my meals at home and enjoy trying new restaurants alone and with friends. I will enjoy a margarita and guacamole because I love it; however, I will hold the queso because my body doesn't love dairy. I am going to work out with what feels best for my body. I walk almost every day, sometimes twice a day, sometimes I go to the gym and lift weights, some days I won't do anything but stretch. I'll sit and journal some days and forget for a week or two. I'll go to church every Sunday for a month, and then things will come up, and I won't be able to make it every Sunday. I'll open my Bible every morning and night for a month straight, and then I fall off the path for a while but eventually get back to it.

The picture here in any journey isn't about perfection. It's about showing up for yourself as best you can, and sometimes, you have to push yourself because you know you can do better, and sometimes that means setting expectations down because you can't make it happen today and you're exhausted. Whatever it may be, you don't beat yourself up about it. Some days, you're on your A game, and some days, you're lucky to even sit on the bench for the team. You know what's best for you once you dig deep and get back to who you are and who you are made to be.

I'm not an expert in anything, and I probably shouldn't say that since I'm a health coach trying to help others, but it's true. Contrary to many online coaches, nutritionists, counselors, etc., that say they're experts in this or that, I'll be honest, I'm not - nor will I ever try to be an expert in anything. Well, the only thing I'm an expert in is being human, dealing with hard things, and doing my best to live a life I love and thrive. I want to help others make healthier choices and learn to love themselves again. I'm not saying it will be easy, but it will be worth it. I know it because I've been through it, and I'm here to be a supportive person walking with you through your health journey because I know how transformational and meaningful my health journey was and still is. 

Love,

Brooke