Heaviness of the Season
I don’t know about you, but everything has felt a lot heavier this fall and winter season. I usually get a touch of seasonal affective disorder, which is extremely normal—how can you not when the sun sets at 6 PM? I truly want to feel holly and jolly, but I’m having a difficult time getting that side of me to come out. I am immensely sad and feel the weight of grief on my chest.
In Traditional Chinese Medicine, the fall season is associated with sadness and grief. They say this could be due to the visual cues of changing leaves, dying plants, and shorter days of daylight, which can make the feelings of sadness more pronounced. I always get this feeling every year, but this year feels different, and I’m not sure why—I can’t seem to put my finger on it.
I’m not sure if it’s because Austin’s birthday just passed in November, and he has now been in heaven for more birthdays than we spent together on Earth. Or maybe it’s because people close to me keep losing loved ones. Or my baby sister is getting married, and 30 is right around the corner, and time just doesn’t stop. I just feel so much grief on so many different levels.
I hold grief because I never thought my life would look like this—it wasn’t what I pictured.
I hold grief because two young people I loved are no longer on earth.
I hold grief because my heart hurts for others who struggle during the holiday season.
I hold grief because time keeps slipping through my fingers, and I can’t grasp it.
I hold grief because I’m scared that I am not using my God-given gifts and being obedient.
I hold grief because I hold memories of the past while still looking forward to the future.
I hold grief because I’m both sad and joyful and if you’ve ever tried to hold two big feelings together, you know it’s hard work.
I hold grief because my heart desires things that I don’t have.
Grief is hard. Many people think you eventually get over grief or move on from it, but I beg to differ. I believe it’s something you learn to live with—it grows and evolves as you do.
I know the heaviness of the holiday season is hard for many. If that’s you, I want you to picture me sitting across from you at a coffee shop, coffee in hand, listening to your story of why this season is hard for you. I’d tell you it’s okay to feel the way you feel. Of course, you feel that way. It’s just important not to stay in the muck and let those feelings make you feel even worse. And if you do stay there for a while, that’s okay too. Just don’t rush too quickly out of those difficult emotions.
As we fully transition into the winter season, remember that it’s still a time to slow down and conserve energy. Don’t beat yourself up if you don’t have much energy this season. I feel like I’m barely getting by. But I also know that what I’m feeling won’t last forever. I need to honor my feelings and listen to my body.
This is your reminder to slow down this season. Even if you feel holly and jolly and aren’t carrying grief, God designed this season for slowness. The sun sets early, there’s less sunlight, it’s cold outside—it’s a time to just be. Set down the hustle and bustle and embrace the slowness of winter.
Even though this time can bring up a lot of mixed emotions, including hard ones, I still cling to the joy and peace that God freely gives. My flesh struggles to lean into that peace and joy, especially when I feel the waves of grief. But I know it’s there and I hope you do too.
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not be afraid.”
John 14:27
