I Can Do It With a Broken Heart
Yes, the title is a nod to Taylor Swift’s new song, which is an absolute banger, but I can attest to the title. For the last six years, I have been living life with a broken heart. On this day, six years ago, I wasn’t sure how I would keep going. I knew I had to, but I didn’t understand how you’re supposed to keep living after someone you love took their own life and was no longer living. I’m not sure how to begin to describe the feeling of despair, I guess.
I could tell you almost everything I did that day, where I was, who told me, how I found out, my reaction, etc. This day always brings up those thoughts and feelings, even though sometimes I wish they wouldn’t… this day has gotten a little easier over the past six years. However, I feel like it gets more complex as time passes. I genuinely feel like grief becomes more complex as years go on, and we’re somehow dealing with the past, present, and future. Grief is weird because it honestly affects all three. Not all days - just some of them. My mind can’t help but think of how it was in the past, yet I am struggling in the present because my heart feels like it’s in two areas sometimes: the past and the future. Austin was here, and now he isn’t, and he won’t be ever again. It’s just a reminder that comes up from time to time.
I try not to get too set on specific dates, birthdays, anniversaries, etc., but it’s hard not to sometimes. The thing is, you expect those emotions on days that hold a certain memory, yet the days that completely catch you off guard are random Wednesday mornings when you cry in your car, go on a walk, or sit at your desk trying to get through work.
Honestly, from 2018 until the beginning of 2023, I was doing it with a broken heart; I was getting things done, doing what I needed to do, working, being with friends and family, paying bills, and the list of life goes on. However, I didn’t think I ever realized how broken my heart was until the end of January 2023, when I walked through a season of darkness that scared me. Only a few people close to me know what I went through during the few months of trying to get back to feeling better. I’ll say honestly, I haven’t felt the same since. I’ve had some good days, but I think that it was a pivotal moment in my life to walk through the health scare I had, and I genuinely believe with every ounce of my being it was because I neglected how broken I was and didn’t realize it.
I didn’t realize that losing Austin was almost the tip of the iceberg; there were so many other things in my life that affected me for so long that I didn’t realize that they were feeding into the brokenness. I started to realize this a couple of years ago. I think with all of the work I was doing, inner child work in therapy, coming to terms with if Austin was still alive, there was a chance that we wouldn’t be together, doing a physical cleanse (which is hard on the body), acupuncture, chiropractic care, realizing that I have free will; I don’t make the best choices all the time, and I’m responsible for some of the crap I’ve brought on myself, and I can say no to things even when it’s hard and disappoints people. It was almost like that moment in Mamma Mia when they were singing Voulez-Vous, and they were spinning, and it was just too much, and Sophie ran away - that was literally how I felt. It was too much at once, and I could not handle it - who could?
I wasn’t just emotionally and mentally broken; I felt it physically, too. Emotions are powerful; if they’re not felt and acknowledged, they will be stored until they’re not. (That’s another topic for another time.) Then, in June of 2023, I got news that one of my best friends since junior high passed away due to an accident. To this day, I honestly don’t know how my heart is still beating sometimes. Again, I could tell you everything about the day I found out about Abby and the absolute gut-wrenching feeling of having to call my two friends to tell them the news, having to sit through another funeral of someone who is gone too soon, who was one of the sweetest souls.
The heartache comes and goes, but it’s always there. It’s more challenging some days, and you just can’t shake it. The one thing I’ve learned from losing two loved ones who were in their 20s is that this world is broken, I’m broken, and it’s too much for my heart to handle some days; it truly is. Some days, it’s difficult to do the most straightforward tasks: putting away laundry, cleaning the kitchen, working, etc.. Sometimes, I feel guilty like this shouldn’t be this hard – but honestly, it’s hard to do anything with a broken heart. Still, it’s not impossible because I’ve done it for quite a while now, and I know many other people who have walked in the absolute worst valleys in their lives yet still hold on to the hope found in Jesus and in heaven. That’s truly the only way to continue forward. It’s not to forget the heartbreak or push aside those emotions but to bring it to the one who can deal with everything you lay at His feet, who promises never to leave or forsake you.
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” — John 16:33
I was so encouraged at church today as we reviewed The Book of Daniel, Chapter 5. The overall message was The Hope of Heaven, which I needed to hear on the sixth anniversary of Austin being gone. The three main takeaways from the sermon were
Look up, not around
Focus on the unseen, not the seen
Live faith over fear
I could go into detail, but you should probably listen to the sermon: link. It starts at about 38:22.
I was so encouraged by this message because it is so true. Some days, I get so caught up in the earthly things around me because it’s what I see; it’s coming at me from all sides, and I get overwhelmed; it’s overwhelming, too, because we’re human with human emotions, and we can’t even begin to comprehend how God works, how he understands, His grace, His love, His goodness, the list goes on. It’s easy to focus on what I’m feeling right now, what I’m walking through right now, the difficulty, the heartbreak, the brokenness in myself and the world, but I can’t focus on that because it does steal your joy in the present. I think we focus on it because it’s easier to, because we see the things here on earth, and we have no clue what His kingdom is like; our brains can’t even begin to imagine the goodness of coming face to face with God and being with Him in His kingdom. I have lived out of fear a lot these past few years, well, most of my life, and I know that I can feel fear yet still live by faith as long as faith is leading the way.
I don’t necessarily fear death like I used to since losing Austin and Abby, and if anything, it has helped push me to know that this world is just a tiny part of our lives compared to eternity. So, even with a broken heart, I know that God can mend the pieces of my heart and that the pain is only temporary. I won’t always have a broken heart – I might this side of heaven, but I will not lose hope.
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary but what is unseen is eternal.” — 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
Austin 🤍
Abby 💛
